Listening With Empathy: Key to Common Ground

Seek first to understand, then to be understood

By Rodger Dean Duncan

At any venue—in the workplace or your own living room—it’s important to create an environment where people feel “safe” in challenging the status quo. Of course, a key ingredient in such an environment is skill in listening.

Some people seem to operate under the misconception that to “listen” is merely to allow the other person to talk while you prepare your response. Real dialogue requires much more.

First, some important points on “empathy.” Empathy is not the same as sympathy. Sympathy involves commiseration, agreement, or a shared feeling. Empathy is more about appreciation and understanding. Understanding between and among the participants is a critical goal of dialogue. People engaged in true dialogue may or may not come to agreement. Their primary goal is mutual understanding. It’s a difference worth noting. (After all, if agreement is ever to be reached, it must be preceded by understanding.)

Here’s a lesson from my early career as a journalist. My editor was Jim Lehrer, whom millions of Americans later knew as the anchor of PBS’s award-winning news broadcast and moderator of several presidential debates. Jim was an excellent coach, well attuned to the nuances of good communication. One day he walked over to my desk in the newsroom and started a conversation about interviews. Bear in mind, I was an investigative reporter, not the art critic. By definition, investigative reporters ask tough questions, and the people they interview are often—shall we say?—less than eager to chat with reporters.